A simple question with a complex series of answers no doubt. Every person you have met, every place you have visited, every situation you have been a part of carves your path with a purpose.
Sometimes when times are tough or when your heart gets broken, you feel crushed with despair and question why things are unfolding as they are. It is perfectly normal and human to FEEL. Wading through emotions and coping with anger, loss, shame, or hurt takes time and courage. Finding courage to stand up and face another day, to climb out of bed, to stop crying, to forgive, to delete him/her from your phone and/or facebook! Your vision of the world and of what you perceive is your reality. The view may be foggy at times, but rest assured, with time, that fogs gently starts to fade and clarity soon regains control. You accept and move on. Some even walk away having learned a powerful lesson, while others continue to repeat their doomed mistakes. Gluttons for punishment? Maybe. I know I have fallen into that category a time or two! However, as you begin to dig deeper into yourself and truly find who you are, the self-awareness develops. You can look at your actions and reactions in an objective manner and wade through your emotions easier.
As time has passed, I think back to certain people that have played significant roles in my life. How at one point in time, those people devoted time, effort, support or love to me and I to them. When those chapters closed, I felt a majority of pain and hurt in most cases and wondered why they left or why things didn't work out. I typically placed the blame upon myself, but didn't know what I was blaming myself for. Eventually, the pain and hurt subsided, and more importantly, I clearly saw WHY our lives had intersected. It is in retrospect when we learn the most...when you make those mistakes or when you lose someone so special to you. No learning can take place otherwise. Walking away from situations knowing what you now won't settle for, or do want from another, or even having a greater appreciation for those still remaining in your life make those mistakes and those relationships all worth it.
When I was 15, my parents decided to get a divorce. I actually was relieved when the news broke because I was tired of always hearing them fight. I wanted each of them to be happy, and I knew they weren't and hadn't been for a long while. When it was finalized, my birthday had passed, and I was having a typical summer for someone my age, now with their license. I was consumed with my boyfriend at the time, driving, working, and hanging out with my friends. Sounds normal, right? I was a typical teenager just living in the moment and not really concerned with my relationship with either of my parents because I took for granted they would just always be there. Those carefree moments before my life took a drastic change now hold such significance for me. I had to grow up in August of that summer.
Getting sober was his new goal when divorce talk first began. He had spent 3 months (if I recall correctly - someone may need to clarify that for me) at a rehab facility for alcoholism in hopes of keeping my mom. His efforts, while valiant in deed, did not work. He came back and tried accepting his new chapter of life. I saw him sporadically after he had moved out and in with my uncle, just a few blocks away. I would stop by when I needed something, of course, and he would come by our house occasionally. I barely recall any of those times now and that makes me cry. I hate forgetting. Anyway, I do remember one weekend he called me up and wanted me to help him tow this huge, old '72 blazer he had just bought with my little Ford Taurus! Haha, I laugh now, but at the time I had no choice even though I thought he was crazy! He hooked that blazer up to my car, and I remember we were at a stop sign needing to cross Western Street over into my uncle's condo parking lot. Four lanes. No problem, right?! I had never towed anything in my life, and we both had our windows rolled down..."Ok, go!" he yelled out his window when the road was clear. So I went. CLUNK! About 2 inches! Apparently, when towing something twice your size you must SLOWLY push on the gas. Aha! A learning moment for me! My dad was known for having a temper and also for being a yeller. Boy, did he yell. I started crying and telling him I didn't know what I was doing. Man, emotions were high. We decided to trade places, which made more sense anyway, and the task was complete. As soon as we hit that parking lot, I jumped out of the blazer and back into my car and raced off before we had a chance to even breathe.
About a week went by and life went on. One day, I needed to call my mom for something and decided to stop at my uncle's to call her (this was before all the youth of America had cell phones!) I really don't know why, but that's where I felt I needed to go. While there, my dad hugged me and apologized for getting so mad at me the previous week. I brushed it off. Said I loved him too and that it was ok, no big deal. I felt better about the situation and left it at that. I was there, maybe a total of 10 minutes. That was the last time I ever got to speak to him. Those were the last words we said to each other. Days after that moment, the EMS lights were flashing in front of that condo. I sunk when my mom and I just happened to be driving by. I knew. I just knew something had happened to him. We ran in and saw him on the floor. Fallen backwards in his chair at the dining room table. Glasses knocked off of his face, a little knick of blood on the arch of his nose and his hat barely touching his head. It was a crazy, out-of-body experience for me. I couldn't register what was happening. Shaking and crying uncontrollably. My uncle...oh, Dusty. I could feel his pain just by looking at him. He said they were eating and all of the sudden my dad said his head hurt and that was it.
Heart attack? No. Those were our first thoughts as well. The doctors didn't think he was going to make it through the night. The Chaplin came and spoke to myself, mom and sisters. I was lost and confused. He made it through the night though, unconsciously. He never woke up. He was hooked up to machines for about 4 days or so. Doctors discovered he had a brain aneurysm that had burst. They discussed the options of surgery with my mom and other family members, but because his liver was so badly damaged from decades of excessive drinking, he was not stable enough to operate on. We basically played a waiting game. Of course, timing was not the best as it was August 15th, the first day of school. Do I stay or do I go? That question bothered me that whole evening before. We all decided we should go, being the first day and all. Talk about facing the most incredible challenge ever!
I was not Raina Alane West that day. No smiles, no first day jitters, absolutely nothing to offer my junior year. First period, English III Pre-Ap with Mrs. White. Wow...I still remember she had a half sheet of paper for us all to fill out that asked for our parents contact information. How dare she ask those questions, I thought! Thinking not only of myself, but of other students in that moment too. Others that had lost a parent and couldn't fill in that information, and I felt anger and an injustice. A tear broke through the barrier and slid down my cheek. I couldn't fill it out, but I was shy and didn't want to make a scene. I held in what I could and counted the seconds, which seemed like hours, until the bell rang for 2nd period. My heart was heavy and rapidly beating as I raced out of the room and into the next. I took my seat in Mr. English's Vocabulary Building class next to my best friend, Ashley. Oh, how I needed her. She saw the unsettled state I was in and quickly hugged me. It was the best hug in the world at that moment, like being wrapped in a blanket of love and security. She squeezed my hand afterward and wouldn't let go. She was my strength. Barely 10 minutes into that class and a note came. If it was even possible for my heart to sink any further, it did, like the Titanic. I knew it was for me. Mr. English read it to himself and his body language said it all. All he had to do was look at me, and I burst into tears, no holding back this time. Everyone in the class was silent. Ashley was sobbing and hugging me. I stood up, gathered my things and took the note. No words were said at all. My mom was waiting outside and my sisters were already in the car. It was time. Time to take him off the machines.
From that moment on, I was forever changed. My life had to take a different course now. A single event that could have immensely altered my here and now, dependent upon how I responded. I had choices to make, emotions to deal with, and people relying on me. I took it hard since I was the eldest and his favorite ;-P, but looked to my support system of friends for comfort. Ultimately, I was led to my now, ex-husband, whom taught me more painful life lessons, but also gave my 3 reasons for being. To cope, I put together a photo album and looked at it every night for about a year and cried myself to sleep every night. I tried to forget by staying busy and trying not to be at home as much as possible. School was my safe haven. I felt success there. Stable and predictable. I felt happy there, or as much as I could. It was my escape, so I didn't let it slip. I couldn't bear to let myself slip there. It became my constant and it is not a surprise nor by chance that I haven't left it to this day.
Over the years, I gained peace. I gained an appreciation for life and those in it. I was taught the lesson of not taking people for granted. I gained retrospect. I am thankful for my self-awareness, my understanding, and acceptance of it all. People are taken from our lives every day, whether tragically or not, but regardless, they are put in our lives for a reason. Find reason in why you are where you are today and use those motivations to guide your future.
"Without courage your life will never change." ~Me
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