This is How I Roll...

So before Christmas I watched that movie, I Don't Know How She Does It, with Sarah Jessica Parker. I cannot tell you how many times I have heard that line as well. I also have been asked numerous times, "Do all your kids have the same dad?" Seriously?! It kills me that society has gotten to the point that people will, more often than not, assume that a woman with more than 1 child has more than 1 baby daddy! Let's just clear the air now...3 kids, same dad, and yes, I was married to him!

So, here we go...here is the secret on how to do it: JUST DO IT!

• Pregnant at 18 while in your first year of college - First of all, go to school! Use your time wisely and study. Go to your doctor appointments too! No excuses and keep the goal in mind that you are going to change the statistic you have been labeled and make it!
• Pregnant at 18 while in your first year of college, and working - See above, plus go to work! Also, just forget about all the stares you get from those that are judgmental while growing in size.
• Second year of college, working, 19 with a newborn baby, and a marriage too - Ok, all of the above, plus nurse, pump, doctor's appointments, clean the house, do laundry and possibly sleep! Find times to study around the baby's schedule. If possible, enlist the help of the significant other as needed. Also apply for any government help you can get!
• Baby, bad marriage already, 20, college, working, and baby #2 on the way - Alright, all of the above plus family babysitters (so it's free or cheap) and try to find friends to talk to about how crazy your life is at that moment! Also begin planning how to leave the bad marriage if all attempts to fix it fail.
• Two babies, progressively abusive marriage, third year of college, and working - Must I repeat myself?! Getting through school will be your savior. Don't let it slip! Be as positive as you can for the kids. Avoid arguments and confrontation at all costs. Do not provoke fights. Try to keep your stress level low. Do not turn to alcohol or drugs, as that will only make it worse. Figure out how to change the situation and make a plan of action to carry out when ready. Get the babies in a Mothers Day Out program if possible. Try to shield them from any negativity.
• Final year of college, 22, two babies, worse marriage, working, and baby #3 on the way - See the light at the end of the tunnel! Mission #1 - Get a full-time job with a salary in order to ensure security for the kids for when you leave the marriage. Stay strong and finish strong!
• Three babies, full-time career in the bag, and divorce lawyer on speed dial - Be happy to have started your career and work hard at it to be the best you can be. Take on leadership roles when offered. Build your resume. When the right moment comes for the divorce lawyer, do not chicken out. Happiness and being in a healthy relationship is of utmost importance. Stick to your guns when you take the first step. Use law enforcement if necessary.
• Raising 3 alone, 24, no child support, and protective orders to boot - Get full custody of the kids. Do not talk about the ex negatively. Love those babies and become as selfless and as self-sacrficing as possible. No starbucks, no snacking, no getting nails done, no shopping...oh no! But it has to be done. Put your priorities in order. Pursue counseling as needed. Lean on family and friends. Accept help! Do not live in fear. Learn to learn from your mistakes and grow as an independent person. Figure out what makes you strong and embrace it. Find your faith in what you believe in and trust that things will always work out as they should.

• New job, 26, new city 500 miles away from your support system, and new schools for the kids - Start over! Make friends and have fun! Help your kids adjust. Be there for them and let them experience new things in their new place. Ask for help when needed and continue to accept it when offered, putting pride aside. Ask for scholarships for sports so your kids can participate. Find what makes you happy. Surround yourself in positivity. Create expectation/chore charts for the kids. Teach them responsibility and how to be self-sufficient. Provide positive behavior reinforcement, structure, routine (even if it means you waking up at 5:30 every single morning in order to make it out the door on time), and discipline as necessary. Perfect your role at your job. Organization is key; keep your desk and your home clean and tidy. Clutter only causes disarray. Control only the factors you can! Don't sweat the small stuff. Try to date! The kids will weed out the bad ones ;-)

• Finding out your child has multiple learning disabilities (supposedly), and is severely acting up in school - Work cooperatively with school personnel. Build relationships with those in contact with your child. Do not be discouraged when he is kicked out of programs. Teach others how to deal with him. Take him to therapies needed. Love him unconditionally. Smother him in a positive environment and work on life lessons. Provide logical consequences. Learn all you can about special education laws and know what is best for your child. P.S. Celebrate when you find out he doesn't have any learning disabilities after all, almost 4 years later!

• When an injustice is happening to your child at school - Be their advocate. Hire an advocate if necessary. Do not be intimidated by administration. Do what you can to remove your child from the situation. Take mental health days off from work! Accept love and support from those around you that care. Know that it is ok to cry. P.S. Again, celebrate when everything falls into place after the fact and trust in karma ;-)
• Starting over again...31, new schools, new job, new house, and still no child support 9 years later - Provide as much stability as possible. Budget everything, as always! Be there mentally, emotionally, and physically at work as well as with your children. Celebrate successes in all aspects :-) Take lots of pictures of this new chapter in your life! Make time for yourself. Work out when possible. Eat healthy and make responsible choices. In other words, be a good role model! Enjoy the simple things. Sleep in on the weekends. Appreciate your friends and laugh and dance often. Visit family and keep connections as strong as you can. Don't give up and try to date some more! lol...

 Finally, look back on more than a decade of trials and smile because you beat the odds :-)

~Fairy Tale Life~

Once I was called mommy.

Once I was a provider and protector.

Once I kissed my children goodnight.

Once I had faith in myself.

Once I had strength and courage.

Once I was selfless, responsible and independent.

Once I was told I was loved by each one.

Once I believed that...

I call this reality.

"Without Courage Your Life Will Never Change." ~Me

The Lion Inside

I am amazed by life, by people and the things they do and don't do. I have always been an avid people watcher, and I am a keen observer. One of my strengths is input. I know this because I had to take a strengths finder assessment (very cool) with work back in August, and my top 5 strengths definitely ring true, especially this one. Unfortunately, this input capability of mine, also brings about a strong sense of instinct and immediate processing when I receive information based on other people's behavior and words. Sometimes, ok, 99.9% of the time, I hate it when I'm right about situations. I see a lot of endings happening before they have even begun, and I have had a hard time steering away from those situations. Have I mentioned before that I may be a glutton for punishment?! I'm working on it though! I have walked right into doomed relationships, overtly aware of it. How defeating. The ironic thing is that after the fact, when the relationship fails, I still feel hurt, rejected, or angry even though I knew it was going to happen. Hmm...human emotion is an interesting thing. The more you try to suppress a feeling, the stronger it grows. The more you try to forget about something, the longer it stays. The more you are told something, the more you believe it. What if you could save yourself from this torment? That would be amazing, and it is possible. Even though I have had my fair share of jumping into relationships I knew weren't right, I also have had my fair share of summoning my inner lioness, and taking control of myself, and my emotions, and getting out of some when I needed to the most.

Courage is a character trait that separates the doers from the followers, the independent from the dependent, and the strong from the weak. It involves taking control of your life, and your emotions. When you are hit with a reality, when that input shakes your very core, human nature is to feel and react. People get scared and sometimes run away instead of facing what they are feeling. Some drown themselves in alcohol or numb themselves with drugs. Some act out or lash out. Some just simply endure the pain, too scared to find out if there is a better way. Then, then there are those that do choose to deal with it. Those that have the courage to step up and make a choice to start a new chapter, or turn the page at the very least.

My heart aches for those that cannot find the strength or the courage to leave. I'm talking about those that stay in loveless marriages/relationships, and especially those in abusive marriages/relationships. Life is too short to stay with a person that makes you miserable. Life is too beautiful not to enjoy, either alone or with someone. I see it all too often. When asked why they won't leave, the response is always, "I can't because _______ (fill in the blank with an excuse)." I am here to say YES! Yes you can leave. There is no excuse for being unhappy and no excuse for being abused. Leaving is a choice you can always make. Money is typically a big factor on why many stay in miserable relationships. I hate it. It is such a driving force for so many people in so many ways, and more importantly, it makes people feel trapped. Trapped because they are afraid they can't make it on their own. Children are also a driving factor in why people stay. Hello?! You are doing more harm than good by modeling what a relationship shouldn't look like! You are showing them your weaknesses by staying. Instead, you should raise their expectations for what a relationship should look like, and how people should be treated.

YES! Yes you can make it on your own. Yes you can come out of it and be healthy and have healthy children. It takes courage. It takes strength, and it takes putting thoughts into words and words into actions. You alone can change your life! It may require having a support system in place beforehand for some, and that can happen if steps are taken in that direction. There is no reason to feel negatively bound to another person. We all have the ability to be our own person, to make our own decisions, and to bring about change. Within abusive relationships, it is about control. The abuser uses their power of manipulation to prey on the self-worth of the abused. Valuing yourself and loving yourself keeps you out of these situations and can also release you from them. Realizing that you are worth more than that. That you are strong. That you are beautiful inside and out. That you are courageous enough to fight back by leaving. That's how you win. You take control of your life and change it. I know it's scary. I know it all too well. To fear what's going to happen next, or tomorrow, or next time he drinks; to fear for your life. What a vicious cycle and it eats the weak alive. I made a choice many years ago to take control. I have never learned a larger life lesson that that. I learned I do have the courage. That I am strong. That I can make it on my own. That I value myself. That I am beautiful inside and out. That I am worthy of having a happy and fulfilling life, as are my children. I decided that. I changed it. Me.

You do not need another person to be complete. You alone have that power too. There are Maslow's basic human needs, yes, but to completely depend upon another person to feel whole is not a part of that, nor healthy. It shows you are deficient in some capacity. You must love yourself first, and then find someone that inspires you to be a better person. It's not about how that person makes you feel about them, it's about how that person makes you feel about yourself that matters. I'm not talking about putting a person on a pedestal either (because that is ridiculous and honestly annoying.) I'm referring back to that self-worth. Do they value you as a human being? Do they enrich your life? Are they a supporter of your dreams and aspirations? Are they intriguing to you? Is there a connection on every possible level (physically, intellectually, emotionally, personally, etc...?) Do not get swept away with surface level, fleeting, and ever changing emotions, as they are blinding and cause you to lose self-control! They may be a quick fix for what you are lacking at the moment, but dig deeper! Ensure the excitement and passion goes further without jeopardizing your values and self-esteem. Fill the internal holes you may have with self-love, not dependent upon another person. Only then will you truly feel and be complete and have control over your life.

Which brings me to also pity those that DO find all of those positive qualities in another, yet they run away scared. It's the same idea. Have the courage to experience that immense blessing, as it will only help you grow. Have the self-confidence (not to be confused with arrogance ;-) to put yourself out there. Why settle for a stream when you can swim in the ocean? Why not have it all? Again, it's scary. People are so afraid of rejection, or not being good enough, or not living up to another's expectations. I can use every line of encouragement about leaving an unhappy and/or abusive relationship for reasons to seek out a happy and fulfilling relationship. You must value and love yourself enough to know that you deserve it. You must know you are strong and beautiful inside and out. In this case, you can only win by having the courage to fight back by staying. And again, by running away scared, it shows you are deficient in some capacity. I have also made the choice to take control of my future. I have made the choice to open myself up to the possibility of finding the person that inspires, intrigues, excites, and connects with me. I am not afraid to try. I am not afraid of failing. I am not afraid of rejection or being hurt. It sucks when that happens, yes, especially when I see it coming, but I will always put myself back together and continue to have the courage to try again. I am in control of my life (thanks to years of personal growth and fulfillment), therefore I have achieved my individual potential at the self-actualization level, or I am at least in that arena, even as a work in progress! I believe I am a good person, confident in my abilities, always looking to grow, and I love myself. I will not settle for anyone that does not make me feel that way, but instead, builds upon those ideals :-)

"Without Courage Your Life Will Never Change." ~Me