Sudden Impact

"A teacher affects eternity. He can never tell where his influence stops." ~Henry Adams

Every teacher needs to be told this statement and fully believe in its power. However, a teacher can be anyone in any walk of life. You don't have to have your teaching certificate and be standing in front of a classroom full of children every day to apply this to your life. Every being affects someone in some way and usually you don't even realize how.

I think back to 2002 when I graduated college with my teaching degree. I was 22 and ready to make a difference in this world! "The children are our future!" as the saying goes. I was so excited and gung-ho about getting in there and really impacting their lives each and every day and having them appreciate me for it! Little did I know that these rewards are not so instant and are typically unspoken. Day in and day out over the past 9 years of greeting middle schoolers, figuring out their learning styles, planning engaging lessons for them, grading their millions of papers, pulling teeth to motivate them, spending countless hours up at school and on the weekends thinking about them, responding to their parents' emails, disciplining them, praising them, helping them, challenging them, modifying for them, and most of all, entertaining them! So much effort for so little in return, so it seems at the time. Teachers never fully know how much they have affected a student until they hear the appreciation through a simple thank you, a hug, a hand written card or a thoughtfully selected gift. Those are precious gestures to really signify a teacher's impact; however, it is important to realize that ALL students are impacted by the teacher. This could be negatively or positively and the majority of them will never let the teacher know the difference.

Throughout the years I have collected these random acts of appreciation. Each and every one means the world to me and the majority are on display in my cubicle now. These tokens keep me going, keep me caring, keep me pushing myself, and bring tears to my eyes every time I read them. I have tried my best to remember each student after they have walked out of my room at the end of each year, but now it has been over 9 years! What a difficult task! Haha, luckily, pictures help. I often look back through the yearbooks and it brings it all back. An approximate total of 1,125 students have directly sat and listened to me dish out science lesson after science lesson (and one year Texas History lessons) over the course of almost a decade. That is a lot of lives to have touched. I would often wonder how much that 50 minute class for 187 days could really influence a child and I may never know, but I want to believe each one has walked away with a fond memory.

Here is a picture of myself and of Daisy. I had Daisy the first 3 years I was teaching at West Ridge Middle School here in Austin, as a 6th grade student in my class, as a 7th grade student in my class, and she was my aide when she was in 8th grade. You can tell we spent a lot of time together when we both walked in wearing this one day! LOL Talk about being an influence! I just wish I had the red converse to rock it like she did, dang it!

Building a relationship is the most important aspect to influencing a life. I can honestly say that the first 2-3 years I taught I built the best relationships with my students. Those students stick out in my mind more so than any other year thereafter. At that time, I was just starting out. I didn't have a toolkit of lessons that I had perfected, I didn't have a clue as to where to begin or how to do it, but I did have a smile on my face and told the kids I wanted to learn with them (and meant it.) Boy did I! Those first couple of groups challenged me to grow as a learner more than any others! They were intelligent kids. The brightest stars amongst the sea of them. I was corrected many times, and I learned real quickly what they would respond to and what they wanted no part of! I also learned how to teach them the way they needed to be taught because I was learning right alongside. Because I was young, the connection came easier I believe. The girls wanted to confide in me like a friend and the boys, well the boys, were middle school boys! They wanted attention, lots of it ;-P  I had to quickly draw the lines of our relationship as student/teacher. This brought about more respect and it caused our relationships to be more fruitful. They knew I genuinely cared about them and their futures and they genuinely cared about how they treated me. My classroom climate has always been positive and productive due to this. Mutual respect goes a long way. Now, those first years of students are adults. Many in college, some married and some even have babies now! When I joined facebook, they were the first to find me and befriend me, a whole slew of them from the years of 2002-2004. When I read comments from them, I am so proud. They have turned out so well, just as I knew they would!

As the years passed on, I still built relationships, of course, but I can clearly see how the closeness, the connections, seemed to have become a bit weaker as I became more involved in perfecting my lessons. It is a hard balancing act. To be an effective teacher, it not only takes powerful lessons, but it also requires powerful impact through relationships with the kids. This is the toughest part for any adult trying to get a child to be successful. Motivation is nonexistent if the child has no connection, whether it's in the classroom, at home, or in their social lives. As adults, we must put forth the effort to reach out...to smile, to be kind, to listen, to praise, to forgive and to have fun with them. Children must see our caring through our gestures in order to believe it.

Unfortunately, many classrooms are lacking this spark. Teachers are having a harder and harder time lighting a fire in their students and they wonder why. It is simple. Each day is an opportunity to affect every single one of them. A conscious effort of saying hi at the door, asking them how their weekend was, having them write a quick journal entry about how they are doing, a quick pat on the back or a smiley face drawn on a sticky note speaks volumes to a kid. It brings about an immense sense of compassion. So, now it is my job as a coach, not only to help with instructional strategies, but to also help teachers build relationships with their students. The encouragement of making a "Super Scientist" board in their rooms, taking pictures of them to display, or even my latest project of motivation...secretly more for the teachers than the students:

 

So this is at Elgin Middle School where I spend 2 days per week working with the 6 science teachers. With the high stakes STAAR test coming up, I wanted to model for the teachers how a simple star with a kid's name on it and a little inspirational phrase could build the morale of the 8th graders and help build a relationship. I asked the librarian to have her student aides cut out about 340 stars over the course of the past 2 weeks. I got a roster of the entire 8th grade from the secretary and I went to work! My first idea was to take a picture of each kid and stick their beautiful faces on the star, but there was no way I would be allow to use that much ink when printing! So, plan B! Names are just as good as pictures :-) I think the worst part was tying the string to each individual one! After that, my grand idea was to hang them from the ceiling in the 8th grade hallway, as stars rightfully should be, but I quickly realized that was a daunting and sweaty task I was not willing to partake in for too long! The ladder was not tall enough for me to comfortably reach the panels; therefore I was hugging the wall, praying I didn't fall, while barefoot on my tip-toes trying to attach each one. I think I got through about 20 before I gave up! Taping them along the wall was a much more feasible idea! If they only knew the lengths I went through to make my vision a reality! ha

Sudden impact hit when the bell rang after 5th period was over! Hundreds of students flooded the hall and I could hear, "Wow! Look at the stars!" "Who made these?" "Where's mine/my name?" "Do we get to keep ours?"

Smiles, smiles, smiles and a whirlwind blew, kicking up the stars so they danced as the kids rushed to their next class. WINNING :-)

When I went to my office today, which is a rare occurence, I just so happened to have a piece of mail in my mailbox, another rare occurence. This piece of mail proves even further that relationships matter across the board, with students, with other teachers, with parents, with friends and even with enemies. I have made an impact yet again even though at the time I had no idea what it meant to the people I was working with. I visited Waelder ISD a total of 6 times to work with 2 administrators and 4 teachers. Seriously, 6 days, such a small number, but those 6 days brought about a huge response (well, huge to me...as in meaningful.)

After reading this, I decided to calculate how many students I have indirectly affected through this new job since August of this year, and the grand total is about 2,300!!! Awesomesauce :-)

Realizing that your impact, your influence, your modeling, your relationships, your connections greatly change the world is an amazing awareness! Open your eyes to how you touch this world. What contribution are you making? How do/will people remember you? Make each moment count with everyone you come in contact with. It could affect their day, their week, their month, their year, or their eternity...and you may never know.

"Without Courage Your Life Will Never Change." ~Me

32 Years Young

The passage of time is completely dependent upon your perspective. I haven't written a blog post in a month! When I say it, it seems like forever ago, but it doesn't feel as if it were that long ago when I sat for hours into the middle of the night writing, editing, proofing, etc...
So here I am back at it, finally! It is the eve of my 32nd birthday, and all I can think about is how YOUNG I am :-)

If you have read my previous posts, you know I have been through more than many people, and those of you that know me, know that I am and always have been extremely mature and almost always responsible, with a few lapses in judgment here and there, of course ;-P. That being said, sometimes I do feel older than my years, worn out, and like time is running out. I have experienced a lot, yes, but there is so much more out there in this world I have yet to accomplish and explore! It takes a conscious effort to really turn your outlook to the positive, such as, WOW! I am only 32! That is young! I have plenty of time to live out my dreams, go back to school, travel the world, spend time with my kids, get Lasik, go on a mission trip, write a book, be debt free, save money for the kids' college, and hopefully find love and enjoy companionship for many, many years. I try so hard to tell myself these things every single day as my 30-something metabolism slows down, constantly noticing those eye wrinkles getting deeper and deeper, my teeth become weaker (of course, I got my very first cavity back when I hit 30), and as I struggle to keep my energy level up to par for my busy days.

So to keep my mindset in the right place and to keep my youthful appearance, I knew I had to take action. I now spend ridiculous amounts of money on anti-aging face firming cremes and eye wrinkle fillers in order to slow down time! No Botox for me, but who knows where the future leads?! haha

I also had to take up flossing! haha, imagine that! I had honestly gone the majority of my life not ever flossing and having my first dentist visit at the age of 18, but since that all was catching up to me, this was the best solution to help the deterioration of my teeth. I also had to take up brushing with a children's princess toothbrush in order to catch those sneaky sugar bugs on my wisdom teeth (which those are why I'm so dang smart ;-P) and actually brushing with this makes me feel young!

I started working out a couple of years back as my schedule allowed. It was a small privilege that many take advantage of, but I was always longing for. I knew that being physically active would not only boost my energy level, but also my self-confidence, and improve my health. Of course, moving to Austin also helped motivate me to start eating healthier (most of the time...exceptions for Hula Hut, Shady Grove, Trudy's and a few other of my favorite dining places around the city.) I switched to soy milk and/or almond milk and began buying more fruits and veggies than ever before. I even began making salads for lunch! Gasp! Well, all of that sounds great, but getting up at 5:30 each day, exhausting my mind all day, and taking care of other people's kids, teachers and my own 3 kids still requires more than those efforts! So I added a plethora of vitamins to my daily routine. I have seen improvement in general, yes. Now, I have added Visalus to my diet. A fabulous nutritional supplement and/or meal replacement shake that tastes like cake batter! How could I say no to that?! I finally feel like I am getting the nutrition I need to continue on my path of living a long, strong, young, fit, and healthy life. Plus I have an opportunity to make money promoting it...all those hopes and dreams won't pay for themselves you know! http://ragrove3.bodybyvi.com/

Other areas of my life are, well, still a work in progress! In particular, my love life! So, I have been divorced for about 8.5 years...again, sounds like forever ago, and actually, that also feels like forever ago! I barely remember what it was like to even be married! Dating over the years has proven to be quite tumultuous. I have to always put the positive twist on this area of my life in order to feel young and not like an old shrew! In these past 8.5 years, I have only had 1 actual serious relationship that lasted 1.5 years. That was an insane learning experience ;-P A couple of guys, ok, maybe 1, has made it until the 6 month mark (sort of), but the majority were 3 months or less, typically less. That means, for about 7 years, I have basically been single. That is a long time to get comfortable with yourself, become independent, and grow as an individual, which I have! I don't mind being alone. It doesn't bother me anymore, honestly. However, I do have to remind myself that I am ONLY 32, and I have many chances and opportunities to find someone that might want a healthy relationship with me! It can be discouraging at times, of course, but overall, I'm ok with it. I have critiqued myself a million times over and have come to the realization that it's NOT me :-) I am usually not lacking in male attention, the difficulty lies where they are in their lives, versus mine, and if they are ready for me and children. Finding a confident, kind, courageous, intellectual, funny, fun-loving, patient, passionate, charasmatic, adventurous, mature, emotionally available, stable, McLicious man (just to name a few qualities amongst a million...hey, I've waited this long, I might as well ask for it all!) seems to be a difficult task in these parts?! haha

Speaking of old flames...I recently met up with a friend, whom also used to be someone I dated briefly a couple of times over the course of say, 12 years, for lunch, and I just have a hard time wrapping my brain around the fact that I have known this person for almost 20 years! And we still look exactly the same as we did when we were tweens...if only I had a picture from back then to compare it to!

20 years...2 decades...that sounds like such a long stretch of time, yet most of the time I don't even feel like I have lived 20 years, much less 32! I love that I still have people in my life that knew me when I was super young like 12, 13, 14, etc...when I was the ages of my own children now! It is so awesome and such a blessing in so many ways. One of the conversations brought up was that I have been living in Austin for 6 years this coming summer. That thought blows my mind. Along with the fact that I have been in my career of education for a decade now, that I have a 7th grader, a 5th grader, and a 3rd grader! Where did the days of diapers, bottles, daycares, potty training, and not being able to talk back go?! I am a veteran teacher who is mistaken for a student teacher all the time. I am a mom of pre-teens who is mistaken for their nanny all the time. I am an old friend to many in which only the amount of time that has passed is mistaken because it always feels as though none has gone by. I am full of 32 years worth of memories and reminiscent feelings.

One of my earliest memories is when I was in kindergarten, and my family was taking our annual vacation to my grandpa's cozy cabin in the Jemez Mountains in New Mexico. I was sitting behind my dad on a 3-wheeler and we were speeding around the sharpest curves of the most incredibly winding road, with no guard rail I might add, up to the heights of Lot 1. Suddenly, I heard his muffled voice yelling at me, and I remember being confused, when my dad shoved me off of the moving 3-wheeler and my face and body hit the ground! Smack! Then, a huge amount of pressure hit my back as my dad lunged himself on top of me, legs from the knees down dangling off the cliff, along with my feet. The ATV was tumbling over and over and over down the side of the mountain. We stood up, bloody, busted lips and all, and watched the destruction continue. My heart was pounding out of my chest! He saved my life. It was my near-death experience (so I like to categorize it as) that is yet another reminder of how fragile life is and how incredibly thankful I am that I have made it to 32!

32 years, 384 months, 1,664 weeks, 11,656 days of walking this Earth, impacting lives, growing, learning, loving, being loved, changing and appreciating every single day! Dang, I am YOUNG!

"Without Courage Your Life Will Never Change." ~Me

This is How I Roll...

So before Christmas I watched that movie, I Don't Know How She Does It, with Sarah Jessica Parker. I cannot tell you how many times I have heard that line as well. I also have been asked numerous times, "Do all your kids have the same dad?" Seriously?! It kills me that society has gotten to the point that people will, more often than not, assume that a woman with more than 1 child has more than 1 baby daddy! Let's just clear the air now...3 kids, same dad, and yes, I was married to him!

So, here we go...here is the secret on how to do it: JUST DO IT!

• Pregnant at 18 while in your first year of college - First of all, go to school! Use your time wisely and study. Go to your doctor appointments too! No excuses and keep the goal in mind that you are going to change the statistic you have been labeled and make it!
• Pregnant at 18 while in your first year of college, and working - See above, plus go to work! Also, just forget about all the stares you get from those that are judgmental while growing in size.
• Second year of college, working, 19 with a newborn baby, and a marriage too - Ok, all of the above, plus nurse, pump, doctor's appointments, clean the house, do laundry and possibly sleep! Find times to study around the baby's schedule. If possible, enlist the help of the significant other as needed. Also apply for any government help you can get!
• Baby, bad marriage already, 20, college, working, and baby #2 on the way - Alright, all of the above plus family babysitters (so it's free or cheap) and try to find friends to talk to about how crazy your life is at that moment! Also begin planning how to leave the bad marriage if all attempts to fix it fail.
• Two babies, progressively abusive marriage, third year of college, and working - Must I repeat myself?! Getting through school will be your savior. Don't let it slip! Be as positive as you can for the kids. Avoid arguments and confrontation at all costs. Do not provoke fights. Try to keep your stress level low. Do not turn to alcohol or drugs, as that will only make it worse. Figure out how to change the situation and make a plan of action to carry out when ready. Get the babies in a Mothers Day Out program if possible. Try to shield them from any negativity.
• Final year of college, 22, two babies, worse marriage, working, and baby #3 on the way - See the light at the end of the tunnel! Mission #1 - Get a full-time job with a salary in order to ensure security for the kids for when you leave the marriage. Stay strong and finish strong!
• Three babies, full-time career in the bag, and divorce lawyer on speed dial - Be happy to have started your career and work hard at it to be the best you can be. Take on leadership roles when offered. Build your resume. When the right moment comes for the divorce lawyer, do not chicken out. Happiness and being in a healthy relationship is of utmost importance. Stick to your guns when you take the first step. Use law enforcement if necessary.
• Raising 3 alone, 24, no child support, and protective orders to boot - Get full custody of the kids. Do not talk about the ex negatively. Love those babies and become as selfless and as self-sacrficing as possible. No starbucks, no snacking, no getting nails done, no shopping...oh no! But it has to be done. Put your priorities in order. Pursue counseling as needed. Lean on family and friends. Accept help! Do not live in fear. Learn to learn from your mistakes and grow as an independent person. Figure out what makes you strong and embrace it. Find your faith in what you believe in and trust that things will always work out as they should.

• New job, 26, new city 500 miles away from your support system, and new schools for the kids - Start over! Make friends and have fun! Help your kids adjust. Be there for them and let them experience new things in their new place. Ask for help when needed and continue to accept it when offered, putting pride aside. Ask for scholarships for sports so your kids can participate. Find what makes you happy. Surround yourself in positivity. Create expectation/chore charts for the kids. Teach them responsibility and how to be self-sufficient. Provide positive behavior reinforcement, structure, routine (even if it means you waking up at 5:30 every single morning in order to make it out the door on time), and discipline as necessary. Perfect your role at your job. Organization is key; keep your desk and your home clean and tidy. Clutter only causes disarray. Control only the factors you can! Don't sweat the small stuff. Try to date! The kids will weed out the bad ones ;-)

• Finding out your child has multiple learning disabilities (supposedly), and is severely acting up in school - Work cooperatively with school personnel. Build relationships with those in contact with your child. Do not be discouraged when he is kicked out of programs. Teach others how to deal with him. Take him to therapies needed. Love him unconditionally. Smother him in a positive environment and work on life lessons. Provide logical consequences. Learn all you can about special education laws and know what is best for your child. P.S. Celebrate when you find out he doesn't have any learning disabilities after all, almost 4 years later!

• When an injustice is happening to your child at school - Be their advocate. Hire an advocate if necessary. Do not be intimidated by administration. Do what you can to remove your child from the situation. Take mental health days off from work! Accept love and support from those around you that care. Know that it is ok to cry. P.S. Again, celebrate when everything falls into place after the fact and trust in karma ;-)
• Starting over again...31, new schools, new job, new house, and still no child support 9 years later - Provide as much stability as possible. Budget everything, as always! Be there mentally, emotionally, and physically at work as well as with your children. Celebrate successes in all aspects :-) Take lots of pictures of this new chapter in your life! Make time for yourself. Work out when possible. Eat healthy and make responsible choices. In other words, be a good role model! Enjoy the simple things. Sleep in on the weekends. Appreciate your friends and laugh and dance often. Visit family and keep connections as strong as you can. Don't give up and try to date some more! lol...

 Finally, look back on more than a decade of trials and smile because you beat the odds :-)

~Fairy Tale Life~

Once I was called mommy.

Once I was a provider and protector.

Once I kissed my children goodnight.

Once I had faith in myself.

Once I had strength and courage.

Once I was selfless, responsible and independent.

Once I was told I was loved by each one.

Once I believed that...

I call this reality.

"Without Courage Your Life Will Never Change." ~Me

The Lion Inside

I am amazed by life, by people and the things they do and don't do. I have always been an avid people watcher, and I am a keen observer. One of my strengths is input. I know this because I had to take a strengths finder assessment (very cool) with work back in August, and my top 5 strengths definitely ring true, especially this one. Unfortunately, this input capability of mine, also brings about a strong sense of instinct and immediate processing when I receive information based on other people's behavior and words. Sometimes, ok, 99.9% of the time, I hate it when I'm right about situations. I see a lot of endings happening before they have even begun, and I have had a hard time steering away from those situations. Have I mentioned before that I may be a glutton for punishment?! I'm working on it though! I have walked right into doomed relationships, overtly aware of it. How defeating. The ironic thing is that after the fact, when the relationship fails, I still feel hurt, rejected, or angry even though I knew it was going to happen. Hmm...human emotion is an interesting thing. The more you try to suppress a feeling, the stronger it grows. The more you try to forget about something, the longer it stays. The more you are told something, the more you believe it. What if you could save yourself from this torment? That would be amazing, and it is possible. Even though I have had my fair share of jumping into relationships I knew weren't right, I also have had my fair share of summoning my inner lioness, and taking control of myself, and my emotions, and getting out of some when I needed to the most.

Courage is a character trait that separates the doers from the followers, the independent from the dependent, and the strong from the weak. It involves taking control of your life, and your emotions. When you are hit with a reality, when that input shakes your very core, human nature is to feel and react. People get scared and sometimes run away instead of facing what they are feeling. Some drown themselves in alcohol or numb themselves with drugs. Some act out or lash out. Some just simply endure the pain, too scared to find out if there is a better way. Then, then there are those that do choose to deal with it. Those that have the courage to step up and make a choice to start a new chapter, or turn the page at the very least.

My heart aches for those that cannot find the strength or the courage to leave. I'm talking about those that stay in loveless marriages/relationships, and especially those in abusive marriages/relationships. Life is too short to stay with a person that makes you miserable. Life is too beautiful not to enjoy, either alone or with someone. I see it all too often. When asked why they won't leave, the response is always, "I can't because _______ (fill in the blank with an excuse)." I am here to say YES! Yes you can leave. There is no excuse for being unhappy and no excuse for being abused. Leaving is a choice you can always make. Money is typically a big factor on why many stay in miserable relationships. I hate it. It is such a driving force for so many people in so many ways, and more importantly, it makes people feel trapped. Trapped because they are afraid they can't make it on their own. Children are also a driving factor in why people stay. Hello?! You are doing more harm than good by modeling what a relationship shouldn't look like! You are showing them your weaknesses by staying. Instead, you should raise their expectations for what a relationship should look like, and how people should be treated.

YES! Yes you can make it on your own. Yes you can come out of it and be healthy and have healthy children. It takes courage. It takes strength, and it takes putting thoughts into words and words into actions. You alone can change your life! It may require having a support system in place beforehand for some, and that can happen if steps are taken in that direction. There is no reason to feel negatively bound to another person. We all have the ability to be our own person, to make our own decisions, and to bring about change. Within abusive relationships, it is about control. The abuser uses their power of manipulation to prey on the self-worth of the abused. Valuing yourself and loving yourself keeps you out of these situations and can also release you from them. Realizing that you are worth more than that. That you are strong. That you are beautiful inside and out. That you are courageous enough to fight back by leaving. That's how you win. You take control of your life and change it. I know it's scary. I know it all too well. To fear what's going to happen next, or tomorrow, or next time he drinks; to fear for your life. What a vicious cycle and it eats the weak alive. I made a choice many years ago to take control. I have never learned a larger life lesson that that. I learned I do have the courage. That I am strong. That I can make it on my own. That I value myself. That I am beautiful inside and out. That I am worthy of having a happy and fulfilling life, as are my children. I decided that. I changed it. Me.

You do not need another person to be complete. You alone have that power too. There are Maslow's basic human needs, yes, but to completely depend upon another person to feel whole is not a part of that, nor healthy. It shows you are deficient in some capacity. You must love yourself first, and then find someone that inspires you to be a better person. It's not about how that person makes you feel about them, it's about how that person makes you feel about yourself that matters. I'm not talking about putting a person on a pedestal either (because that is ridiculous and honestly annoying.) I'm referring back to that self-worth. Do they value you as a human being? Do they enrich your life? Are they a supporter of your dreams and aspirations? Are they intriguing to you? Is there a connection on every possible level (physically, intellectually, emotionally, personally, etc...?) Do not get swept away with surface level, fleeting, and ever changing emotions, as they are blinding and cause you to lose self-control! They may be a quick fix for what you are lacking at the moment, but dig deeper! Ensure the excitement and passion goes further without jeopardizing your values and self-esteem. Fill the internal holes you may have with self-love, not dependent upon another person. Only then will you truly feel and be complete and have control over your life.

Which brings me to also pity those that DO find all of those positive qualities in another, yet they run away scared. It's the same idea. Have the courage to experience that immense blessing, as it will only help you grow. Have the self-confidence (not to be confused with arrogance ;-) to put yourself out there. Why settle for a stream when you can swim in the ocean? Why not have it all? Again, it's scary. People are so afraid of rejection, or not being good enough, or not living up to another's expectations. I can use every line of encouragement about leaving an unhappy and/or abusive relationship for reasons to seek out a happy and fulfilling relationship. You must value and love yourself enough to know that you deserve it. You must know you are strong and beautiful inside and out. In this case, you can only win by having the courage to fight back by staying. And again, by running away scared, it shows you are deficient in some capacity. I have also made the choice to take control of my future. I have made the choice to open myself up to the possibility of finding the person that inspires, intrigues, excites, and connects with me. I am not afraid to try. I am not afraid of failing. I am not afraid of rejection or being hurt. It sucks when that happens, yes, especially when I see it coming, but I will always put myself back together and continue to have the courage to try again. I am in control of my life (thanks to years of personal growth and fulfillment), therefore I have achieved my individual potential at the self-actualization level, or I am at least in that arena, even as a work in progress! I believe I am a good person, confident in my abilities, always looking to grow, and I love myself. I will not settle for anyone that does not make me feel that way, but instead, builds upon those ideals :-)

"Without Courage Your Life Will Never Change." ~Me

Here and Now with Retrospect

What brought you to this point in your life?

A simple question with a complex series of answers no doubt. Every person you have met, every place you have visited, every situation you have been a part of carves your path with a purpose.

Sometimes when times are tough or when your heart gets broken, you feel crushed with despair and question why things are unfolding as they are. It is perfectly normal and human to FEEL. Wading through emotions and coping with anger, loss, shame, or hurt takes time and courage. Finding courage to stand up and face another day, to climb out of bed, to stop crying, to forgive, to delete him/her from your phone and/or facebook! Your vision of the world and of what you perceive is your reality. The view may be foggy at times, but rest assured, with time, that fogs gently starts to fade and clarity soon regains control. You accept and move on. Some even walk away having learned a powerful lesson, while others continue to repeat their doomed mistakes. Gluttons for punishment? Maybe. I know I have fallen into that category a time or two! However, as you begin to dig deeper into yourself and truly find who you are, the self-awareness develops. You can look at your actions and reactions in an objective manner and wade through your emotions easier.

As time has passed, I think back to certain people that have played significant roles in my life. How at one point in time, those people devoted time, effort, support or love to me and I to them. When those chapters closed, I felt a majority of pain and hurt in most cases and wondered why they left or why things didn't work out. I typically placed the blame upon myself, but didn't know what I was blaming myself for. Eventually, the pain and hurt subsided, and more importantly, I clearly saw WHY our lives had intersected. It is in retrospect when we learn the most...when you make those mistakes or when you lose someone so special to you. No learning can take place otherwise. Walking away from situations knowing what you now won't settle for, or do want from another, or even having a greater appreciation for those still remaining in your life make those mistakes and those relationships all worth it.

When I was 15, my parents decided to get a divorce. I actually was relieved when the news broke because I was tired of always hearing them fight. I wanted each of them to be happy, and I knew they weren't and hadn't been for a long while. When it was finalized, my birthday had passed, and I was having a typical summer for someone my age, now with their license. I was consumed with my boyfriend at the time, driving, working, and hanging out with my friends. Sounds normal, right? I was a typical teenager just living in the moment and not really concerned with my relationship with either of my parents because I took for granted they would just always be there. Those carefree moments before my life took a drastic change now hold such significance for me. I had to grow up in August of that summer.

Getting sober was his new goal when divorce talk first began. He had spent 3 months (if I recall correctly - someone may need to clarify that for me) at a rehab facility for alcoholism in hopes of keeping my mom. His efforts, while valiant in deed, did not work. He came back and tried accepting his new chapter of life. I saw him sporadically after he had moved out and in with my uncle, just a few blocks away. I would stop by when I needed something, of course, and he would come by our house occasionally. I barely recall any of those times now and that makes me cry. I hate forgetting. Anyway, I do remember one weekend he called me up and wanted me to help him tow this huge, old '72 blazer he had just bought with my little Ford Taurus! Haha, I laugh now, but at the time I had no choice even though I thought he was crazy! He hooked that blazer up to my car, and I remember we were at a stop sign needing to cross Western Street over into my uncle's condo parking lot. Four lanes. No problem, right?! I had never towed anything in my life, and we both had our windows rolled down..."Ok, go!" he yelled out his window when the road was clear. So I went. CLUNK! About 2 inches! Apparently, when towing something twice your size you must SLOWLY push on the gas. Aha! A learning moment for me! My dad was known for having a temper and also for being a yeller. Boy, did he yell. I started crying and telling him I didn't know what I was doing. Man, emotions were high. We decided to trade places, which made more sense anyway, and the task was complete. As soon as we hit that parking lot, I jumped out of the blazer and back into my car and raced off before we had a chance to even breathe.

About a week went by and life went on. One day, I needed to call my mom for something and decided to stop at my uncle's to call her (this was before all the youth of America had cell phones!) I really don't know why, but that's where I felt I needed to go. While there, my dad hugged me and apologized for getting so mad at me the previous week. I brushed it off. Said I loved him too and that it was ok, no big deal. I felt better about the situation and left it at that. I was there, maybe a total of 10 minutes. That was the last time I ever got to speak to him. Those were the last words we said to each other. Days after that moment, the EMS lights were flashing in front of that condo. I sunk when my mom and I just happened to be driving by. I knew. I just knew something had happened to him. We ran in and saw him on the floor. Fallen backwards in his chair at the dining room table. Glasses knocked off of his face, a little knick of blood on the arch of his nose and his hat barely touching his head. It was a crazy, out-of-body experience for me. I couldn't register what was happening. Shaking and crying uncontrollably. My uncle...oh, Dusty. I could feel his pain just by looking at him. He said they were eating and all of the sudden my dad said his head hurt and that was it.

Heart attack? No. Those were our first thoughts as well. The doctors didn't think he was going to make it through the night. The Chaplin came and spoke to myself, mom and sisters. I was lost and confused. He made it through the night though, unconsciously. He never woke up. He was hooked up to machines for about 4 days or so. Doctors discovered he had a brain aneurysm that had burst. They discussed the options of surgery with my mom and other family members, but because his liver was so badly damaged from decades of excessive drinking, he was not stable enough to operate on. We basically played a waiting game. Of course, timing was not the best as it was August 15th, the first day of school. Do I stay or do I go? That question bothered me that whole evening before. We all decided we should go, being the first day and all. Talk about facing the most incredible challenge ever!

I was not Raina Alane West that day. No smiles, no first day jitters, absolutely nothing to offer my junior year. First period, English III Pre-Ap with Mrs. White. Wow...I still remember she had a half sheet of paper for us all to fill out that asked for our parents contact information. How dare she ask those questions, I thought! Thinking not only of myself, but of other students in that moment too. Others that had lost a parent and couldn't fill in that information, and I felt anger and an injustice. A tear broke through the barrier and slid down my cheek. I couldn't fill it out, but I was shy and didn't want to make a scene. I held in what I could and counted the seconds, which seemed like hours, until the bell rang for 2nd period. My heart was heavy and rapidly beating as I raced out of the room and into the next. I took my seat in Mr. English's Vocabulary Building class next to my best friend, Ashley. Oh, how I needed her. She saw the unsettled state I was in and quickly hugged me. It was the best hug in the world at that moment, like being wrapped in a blanket of love and security. She squeezed my hand afterward and wouldn't let go. She was my strength. Barely 10 minutes into that class and a note came. If it was even possible for my heart to sink any further, it did, like the Titanic. I knew it was for me. Mr. English read it to himself and his body language said it all. All he had to do was look at me, and I burst into tears, no holding back this time. Everyone in the class was silent. Ashley was sobbing and hugging me. I stood up, gathered my things and took the note. No words were said at all. My mom was waiting outside and my sisters were already in the car. It was time. Time to take him off the machines.

From that moment on, I was forever changed. My life had to take a different course now. A single event that could have immensely altered my here and now, dependent upon how I responded. I had choices to make, emotions to deal with, and people relying on me. I took it hard since I was the eldest and his favorite ;-P, but looked to my support system of friends for comfort. Ultimately, I was led to my now, ex-husband, whom taught me more painful life lessons, but also gave my 3 reasons for being. To cope, I put together a photo album and looked at it every night for about a year and cried myself to sleep every night. I tried to forget by staying busy and trying not to be at home as much as possible. School was my safe haven. I felt success there. Stable and predictable. I felt happy there, or as much as I could. It was my escape, so I didn't let it slip. I couldn't bear to let myself slip there. It became my constant and it is not a surprise nor by chance that I haven't left it to this day.

Over the years, I gained peace. I gained an appreciation for life and those in it. I was taught the lesson of not taking people for granted. I gained retrospect. I am thankful for my self-awareness, my understanding, and acceptance of it all. People are taken from our lives every day, whether tragically or not, but regardless, they are put in our lives for a reason. Find reason in why you are where you are today and use those motivations to guide your future.

"Without courage your life will never change." ~Me